Sergeant Pepper

a hand on your cock is more moral - and more fun - than a finger on the trigger

Tue, 08 Jul 2008 17:27:13 GMT

I've done the acid, I've experienced the repocussions, and I now I just want to take as much from it as possible, learning from the good and the bad.

There's a few things George Harrison once said, which I believe to be incredibly true -

"A hippie is supposed to be someone who becomes aware - you're hip if you know what's going on. But if you're really hip, you don't get involved with LSD and things like that. You see the potential that it has and the good that can come from it, but you also see that you don't really need it."

"LSD isn't a real answer. It doesn't give you anything. It enables you to see a lot of possibilities that you may never have noticed before, but it isn't the answer. You don't just take the LSD and that's it forever, you're OK."

do what you to do, just keep on laughing, one things true, there's always another day

Tue, 08 Jul 2008 16:00:43 GMT

I've done a hell of of growing up these past few months, possibly the most I ever have done in my life, but then how can you measure the speed of mental growth? I don't think you can. It certainly feels like I have, although I suppose I will never truly find out until hindsight peeps his head round the corner.

I sometimes wonder that I sound pretentious in my way of words. I hope I don't. Please someone tell me if I do?
So I have now finished education, and am dipping my feet into the waters of adult life. I thought I wouldn't like it, with my whole attitude of Peterpan and living in a bubble that resembles NeverNeverland, but I've been proven wrong. I am absolutely loving life. And I can say that with complete and full confidence. I'm starting to sort my head out and seperate the good from the bad, and how to get the most out of my freedom (which I thought would daunt me). I've met some beautiful people; inspirational people, who I know will be in my life until the day I die, and perhaps after. I know that sounds a little naive, but I personally would prefer to be naive and hopeful than cynical and negative.

I've been spending a lot of time at home recently and more time with my family, because they will - at the end of the day - always, always be there for me and there is complete unconditional love. That is something to be savoured and relished upon, but hopefully not in the way that I am taking anything from them. I've also been trying to help people a lot more recently, and give out as much love as possible. One could say that I have become a hippie in the upmost respect.

Things are finally falling into place with my dream of going to Morocco. I worked out that it will probably cost me about £2000 to travel for two months, driving down through France, Spain and Portugal, which is a lot less than I thought it would be. Grant and I are looking into buying a beautiful bus that is in good working condition from ebay that we will hopefully travel in. So far it's only going for £100, and the reserve is only £750, which is cheap as chips. If all goes to plan, we can turn it into a proper housetruck and chase the sun!
Although things have really started to look up recently, I've learnt a great deal about trust and how liberal (or unliberal, as it were) I can be with my 'secrets', which - in the process of learning this was painful - has all added to life experience. And I'm trying to soak up as much of it as possible.

I really feel I've been putting Positive Mental Attitude into effect recently, trying to find the good in everything, and then when something bad happens and I truly can't find the good in it, I just remember the cliches, such as 'the sweet isn't as sweet without the sour' and 'everything happens for a reason' - even if you don't know it yet: the frustrating joy of hindsight! I'm constantly filling my brain and other people's brains with cliches. Afterall, cliches are cliches for a reason. I'm slowly starting to gain more and more control over my actions, but at the same time there's a part of me which feels that I'm doing the completely opposite, and doubts everything I'm doing. I'm not going to listen to that part, because for now, I want to try everything, and, wait for it... another cliche... (don't you just love it) - 'he who risks nothing knows nothing'. There, I'm done now, all cliched out, no more until next time.

Grant and I were having a really good conversation the other day (we've had quite a few of those), and not just those conversations where you piss about and have a nice time skimming the surface of issues and topics and opinions, but a conversation of deep intensity, delving way into our minds and I'm more than certain we used that part of the brain that people say nobody ever uses. We, wait, no, I lie, he worked out a way, a simple way, to 'help' people: to think logically and emotionally, while putting tact in the response. I'm sure that wasn't exactly it, but it's something similar, and I would have to expand on it a little for someone to fully get the general jist of it, but boy did we feel enlightened after that chat. Rushing with energy. Booming with vitality and a new love for life.

Peace.

jon

Sun, 11 Feb 2007 19:11:30 GMT

Jon, I love you and there's no doubt in that.
I don't wish to make it any harder for you.
I can wait for you, even if it means waiting for nothing.
Hang in there Welly Jon.

---

I seem to put so much effort into trying to grow up, trying to be mature and rational that sometimes I think I forget that it's ok to act like a kid. Hell, I still am a kid. And then I sometimes wonder that my undying effort backfires and makes me appear like I'm trying too hard.

Friends only

Mon, 28 Nov 2005 10:16:02 GMT

This journal for a while has been on and off friends only, but I've decided I'm permanently making it friends only now.
If you want to be added, just comment.

and for a minute there, I lost myself

Sun, 27 Nov 2005 20:29:05 GMT

I suddenly have a huge urge to get away
Go somewhere unexpected
With all my friends and the one I love
Just do something new
Something spontaneous
Out of this world
Have new experiences
But only with my friends and the one I love
For life is too short to hang around
Laugh together
In perfect harmony
Love together
Leave the burdens and worries behind
Just fly...

confusing what is real

Sun, 20 Nov 2005 17:47:59 GMT

Everybody seems so disappointed in me. They couldn't believe I had managed to get myself into that situation. I can't believe it.
The guilt, the shame, the disappointment is overwhelming.

Wed, 09 Nov 2005 21:27:45 GMT

When I first held you I was cold
A melting snowman I was told
That there was no one there to hold
Before, I swore, that I would be alone forever more

Oh, wow, look at you now
Flowers in the window
It's such a lovely day and I'm glad you feel the same
'Cause to stand up, out in the crowd
You are one in a million
And I love you so
Let's watch the flowers grow

There is no reason to feel bad
But there are many seasons to feel glad, sad, mad
It's just a bunch of feelings that we have to hold
And I am here to help you with the load

So now we're here and now is fine
So far away from there and there is time, time, time
To plant new seeds and watch them grow
So there'll be flowers in the window when we go.

crying stars

Fri, 04 Nov 2005 23:15:40 GMT

It really does make my day - or night - reading everybody's new entries.

Wilted Smiles

Fri, 04 Nov 2005 22:01:26 GMT

Mistakes trodden upon like wilted tears growing in the eye,
Shame judged upon her decadence of self worth,
Guilt winding through her veins,
Mindful confusion
Emotive to profanity.

Mused by each unheeded endowment of a being holds,
Caught exposed with the wings of a butterfly in her hands,
A thought twice pacifies the movement
Leaving her vision close to love.

The Breath Of Our Time

Thu, 03 Nov 2005 18:45:07 GMT

Remember the timeless sparks from a love of conspiracy,
Remember the feathers floating upon the air of freedom,
Remember the rain that brought every wish come true.

Feeling the life beyond living,
Feeling the entwination of love,
Feeling the euphoria present

... It is still the breath of our time.

I just want somebody listening to what you say, it doesn't matter who you are...

Wed, 02 Nov 2005 19:09:42 GMT

Today has been a strangely good day.

I love you so, so god damn much Clarkey. You're wonderful and perfect in every way.

I honestly can't imagine a life without you, and I wouldn't ever want to. I never thought somebody could make me this happy, but I was mistaken, a man named David Michael Clarke did, and he's the most incredible person in all the worlds.

I love you.

Knowing I'm with you is the best feeling ever. I get butterflies in my stomach thinking about all the great times we have had together, and there's the amazing thought that we will have more great times together as well.
It couldn't be more perfect.
I'm so in love, and it feels so good.

I just wanted to tell you I love you baby.
I hope you're okay.

and with a love like that, you know it can't be bad

Mon, 31 Oct 2005 17:00:22 GMT

I try for this journal not to be full of depressing entries, as that's not the person I am, or what I experience, but if I want it to be truthful, which I do, I should write what I feel.

So here goes.

Today was... crap. I was expecting it, but it still took me by surprise. And the worrying thing is, I don't know why. Well, I don't know directly why. School itself was bearable; I finished my canvas, I handed in my history coursework on time, I got back some A*s in english, and it seemed like a generally okay day.
But I feel so numb. I hate writing like this because I don't want to be a burden to anybody who reads this, especially Clarkey and Kristi. It's what I try to avoid.
However when winter comes along it feels like my SAD has to make everything just that little bit harder. I'm not saying I don't smile or laugh, but inside it feels like it's there, trying to consume each bit of happiness I have.

When I'm with you Clarkey it all goes away and it's like in the song It's Been A While -
"And it's been awhile
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you"
- and it all does. I feel unbelievably free with you and the happiest girl in the world. I don't think my SAD will ever be as bad as it was last year, but I wish it would go away completely. It never should have been there, but now it especially shouldn't be there, because I have you, and you make me so, so happy, and I don't want something like my SAD to taint the happiness, because it isn't worth it. I don't mind it so much hurting myself, but I do mind it hurting others. Like I said before, I try not to write like this 'cause the last thing I ever want to do is hurt anybody else. I've done too much of that in the past. But I had to let it out somewhere.

I'm so worried about my sister, I was reading something last night and she said she hadn't eaten since thursday. That's not good, that's not good at all. I want to help her so badly but I don't know how. She said she tried making herself sick before she left to go to uni, which she said she would never do as she has a fear of sick, and I don't mind that she lied, I'm just worried why she felt she had to lie.
And then my mum was sick last night too, whether it was because of stress or the alcohol or what, I don't know. I've accepted she's pretty much an alcoholic, but to see the consequences with it as well is numbing.

I feel guilty 'cause I've written all of this now (except for the good bits). I feel like it's bad and I shouldn't have, and so the end is nigh.

I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you.

You're wonderful Clarkey.

I like to watch you sleep at night, to hear you breathe by my side...

Sun, 30 Oct 2005 18:15:06 GMT

And although sleep leaves me behind, there's nowhere I'd rather be, than in your arms.

You are my inspiration for all the poems I write.

Life is wonderful knowing I'm with you Clarkey. You're incredible.

I literally can't imagine a life without you. I love you so much, no words will ever be able to describe how much.
Everything about you is perfect, there could never be any flaws or faults about you.
I'm so in love with you baby.

I hope you're okay. I miss you like nothing else.

I love you with all my heart.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

spinning away into the rays of this life

Wed, 26 Oct 2005 13:23:44 GMT

One could say the last week ish has been the most eventful week in my life. We've done just about everything we could do, made the most of every moment, lived for the moment, and just gone for life itself. What's the point in living if one doesn't do all they can do and try everything at least once? It's all new experiences, and the majority of these experiences have been the best I've had. It's wonderful.

I can feel myself growing up more and more everyday, trying to find myself, who I am and what I am. But then sometimes I feel I don't need to know, I should just be. And that's what I'm being right now - I'm letting it be.

Some of the best times have been where we've just sat around - laughed, smoked, drank and had the company of some of the best people in the world.
However, I did see the biggest joint I have ever seen in my life the other day. It was cigar sized, with the hugest roach ever, and it just about killed all of us, except for the more hardcore stoners like Clarkey and Toni. I doubt I'll ever be coming back to a joint of that size. 'Twas a mighty one.

I know going back to doing work will be hard, but I'm trying not to think about it right now. I know I should be doing some here in Kent, but bleh, all care for work has gone. That isn't good, but oh well, hey ho. It'll come back.

Thinking about it, it's quite hard to summarise everything that has happened here. It's all been indescribable. And so, on that note, I will stop here.

Fin.

Laugh and cry, smile and feel, love and live.

it is the truth from which you run

Mon, 24 Oct 2005 12:05:41 GMT

Wow.

It's been a busy couple of days. To say the least.
Here goes.

I woke up on Thursday morning with butterflies and the like, looking forward to going up to Kent at five. Then, Sam called me telling me they were coming to pick me up for the journey at 12ish.

After the three-four hour journey, I was able to be with the one I love. Since then, we haven't left each other's sides. It's been full of wowness. So many parties, so much drink and so much weed. We went to The Moscow State Circus the other night which was incredibly talented (I got the badge too, wahey!).

No hour here has been wasted.

It's a beautiful university, the people are nice, food is good, everything is perfect.

The other night, we came up with so many quotes they filled about four-five pages. Here's some of the best:

"There was an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scottsman..."
- Nick

"I KNOW THIS JOKE!!"
- Soph

"'I see', said the blind man to the deaf man... who wasn't really listening... the man with no legs walked out in disgust..."
- Jamie

"I know I'm good-looking - but come on - through the door!"
- Clarkey

"I broke my nail on the cum, that's some hardcore cum"
- Soph

"You two aren't real girls - you're just cool dudes, with longer hair, and different plumming"
- Nick

"Different bunnies?!"
- Soph

"Why are you mounting my back?"
- Clarkey

"Nick, hug, hump!"
- Clarkey

"There's so many squashed bottles out tonight"
- Soph

"Why's there a filter in the Milky Way bar?"
- Clarkey

"What the fuck?"
- All

Yeah. The past couple of days you could say have been a bit crazy. Or, just "what the fuck application" aka "WTFA".

Later days dudes and dudettes.

Peace out.

Close your eyes and I’ll kiss you

Thu, 20 Oct 2005 07:49:15 GMT

BABY I'M SEEING YOU TODAY!!!!

!!!!!

!!!!!

I love you!

And that's all I have to say about that.

old school hollywood

Mon, 17 Oct 2005 12:24:50 GMT

School is so monotonous, bleh.

Hmm. Not much else to say. Just thought I'd write an entry.

I miss you soo much Clarkey, all I think about is you. In two-three days I'll be able to see you. That's gonna make me so happy.

My moods are going from "heheheheh" to "bleeeeeeeeeeeeeh". It's really confusing.

Anywho, I love you so much baby, with all my heart.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

You're wonderful; perfect.

a thought's creation

Fri, 14 Oct 2005 18:29:59 GMT

Everybody is so stressed at the moment, I wish I could help.

Sam Bam isn't doing too good, and neither are Kristi and Rob. I want it to be like it used to be in the summer when we were all so free and happy and secure. I feel so helpless.
Ontop of everything there's so much work to do. Too much of it.
We got told in Art today that everything we did last year isn't even half of what we need for our GCSE, and we only have half a term left. That kinda scared me.
And then I have D&T to catch up on, and history, maths and french coursework. A few English essays, and then by that time the mocks will probably be here. It's just so... hard.

But life goes on. There'll be many, many highs again and lows never last forever. But god, when you're in the lows they seem to last forever.

I love you so much Clarkey, I wish I could be with you so much. I long for a kiss, a hug, to be able to laugh with the one I love, to fall asleep with you; everything.

You're wonderful.

I love you.

you're there to put me back together again

Thu, 13 Oct 2005 14:41:04 GMT

Just had english (I was Lady Macbeth) and now I'm sitting here waiting to go to yoga, then house singing until nine - that means thirteen hours in school, ehhh.

Oh well, hey ho - this time next week I will be able to see you in six hours, that makes me so so happy. Knowing I'm with the most incredible person in the entire world makes me the happiest girl in the world. I love you so much Clarkey. I can't wait to see you, be in your arms, kiss you, tickle you, simply be with you.

And now it's time for yoga.

I love you

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

All in one day

Wed, 12 Oct 2005 18:01:39 GMT

I was told to go on anti-depressants.
I was told to see a counsellor.
I was told I look tired, with dark circles and that I am pale.
I was told that I don't look okay.
I was told that my SAD is getting to me.
I was told to see a Doctor.
I was asked whether I had taken anything.
I saw the two people I never want to see again in my life, in one hour of each other.
It rained and rained today.
I closed my eyes and I couldn't lift my head up.
I know each day is different and tomorrow is another day.
I know everything is always better in morning.
But how did I feel today?

I need and miss and want and love you so much.

it's been a while since I first saw you, it's been a while since I could call you

Tue, 11 Oct 2005 20:12:54 GMT

Just one more peaceful day...

...one more peaceful day of those great memories.

Please.

everybody everybody everybody living now

Tue, 11 Oct 2005 18:04:44 GMT

I'm laughing at the smallest things at the moment - and holy sweet lollipop Kristi you made me laugh a lot today!! It was so cool when we turned on Kerrang! in Besley today and B.Y.O.B. was on, it was like "dude, we dig this music, so there".

I'm missing you so much Clarkey. I love you to bits. It's only eight days now, which is so soon - yay!!

You are my gorgeous vondervul (aye, 'tis Russian (-the word, not you)) incredible amazing fantastic brilliant intelligent perfect in every way shining knight in weed gumdrop hobo gizmo. (All in one breath again, I feel accomplished heheheheh).

I love you so much baby xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx (so so much) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx(sooo much) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
mwah mwah mwah mwah mwaaaaaah

P.S. I love you.

the first breath after a coma

Sun, 09 Oct 2005 20:49:50 GMT

I'm feeling a little better, after a few conversations with the people I love.
To begin with, I called Clarkey and we talked about fishing rods going "plop" on the water, which made me laugh a lot, after crying a lot.
Then my Dad and I talked about hash cookies together, like old stoners reminiscing about past times gone by, and how he knew a group who had a party in an antiques shop and they were so stoned that they saw a 3000 year old Egyptian mummified shrew mouse, thought it was green, and yeah, you can imagine what they did next.

... They smoked it.

When they tried getting a taxi home, he was trying to count the right amount of change in his hand for the taxi driver, but instead of counting the sum of money, he was counting how many pennies he had. After a lot of confusion, he gave the taxi driver a handful of pennies and he seemed satisfied enough.
They then tried going up the stairs to their flat, but lying down proved it a mistake. The room was spinning and it wouldn't stop.
The next morning, he called up his friend and thanked him for the party, saying, "I enjoyed that party awfully last night, thanks old friend, and I rather enjoyed the LSD, any chances of having some more soon?"
...
I have a COOL Dad.

Anywho, I finally managed to do my history essay, after a lot of rebellion towards it, but in the end ("I tried so hard, and got so far, but in the end it doesn't even matter"), it felt good to get it out of the way. Now there's just art, D&T, the illustrations, english, maths coursework and history coursework. Bleh.
I'm missing you so much Clarkey. I say the same words every day, but they're true. I love you gizmo. I literally can't wait to come up and see you, we're gonna have so much fun. My dream last night just made me want you even more (which I thought was impossible because I want you so much already), seeing us have all that weed on a desert island together, oh, and I forgot to say, every time we woke up, we woke up on the beach, with an already rolled joint waiting for us, the sun rising over the horizon. It was one of the best dreams I've ever had. (The j was rolled with a king-skin too!).
I think I might have weed on my mind, just maybe. Damnit.
Ohh, another thing my Dad and I talked about was how he read something saying-

"You know you are not an intellectual if you are in a room for an hour with a tea-cosey, and will be tempted to try it on".

- Well that definitely means I'm not an intellectual...

This time next week, it'll be four days until I can see you. That makes me so happy.
As does knowing I'm with the best person in all the worlds.

can you see?

Sun, 09 Oct 2005 14:30:05 GMT

I have so much work it's not even "ehh, do it tomomorrow" applicable. But the thing is, every time I try to do a piece of work, my mind just won't let me do it. It's crazy, and horrible, and bleh. God damnit I hate work.
I have history, english, art, D&T, illustrations for the new musical, and some more.

But I really can't do it.
It feels literally impossible.

I miss you so much Clarkey. I love you.

we are such stuff as dreams are made on...

Fri, 07 Oct 2005 18:32:15 GMT

"Thou wouldst be great-
Art not without ambition, but without
The illness should attend it"

- Lady Macbeth, William Shakespeare

"Let us speak our free hearts to each other"

- Macbeth, William Shakespeare

************************************************

Today. Today was average. Not good, not bad. I worked real hard in lessons though, which makes a change. We received our assessments this morning too, and mine were okay. I guess it was a quiet day for me.

Ohh, something I learnt today - Hybrid Theory is the only hard rock album in the music industry that doesn't contain any swear words. Also, Sugar by System Of A Down is the only song that they have played in every single gig since they ever started performing. Kerrang! is full of wowness.

As are you Clarkey. I love you so much. I've been counting down the days, smiling whenever I think of the great times we've had, thinking about you all the time. I can't wait for us to have more great times together again. I adore you baby.

If I don't see you again, good afternoon, good evening and good night.

*walks off the stage air-guitaring to Stricken*